Welcome to the first installment of HeyNOTLP!, a monthly column wherein we (or you) ask a question to be answered by your very own merry staff of bloggers. Play along with your own answers in the comments section and send us questions for future columns over at Twitter with the hashtag #heyNOTLP.
Today’s question is inspired by the apparent fact that June is National Seafood Month in the United States. The natural question for horror bloggers then follows: what terrifying water creature, real or fictional, makes you want to move as far away from the ocean as earthly possible?
Let’s turn it over to the crew:
Y’all know me. Know how I earn a livin’. I’ll piss my pants at the first sight of a great white. I’ll stop whimperin’ an’ screamin’, but it ain’t gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pizzeria chasin’ calzones and hoagies. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin’, little tenderizin’, an’ down you go. Did I say piss my pants? I meant shit my pants wholesale. And I’ll do it quick. And it’s not gonna be pleasant. So, I guess I’ll find an apartment inland for $600.00; maybe $300.00 if I can find a roommate. Yep, I’d say for $300.00 we can get a refrigerator, cable, the whole damn thing.
Robert R. Best
Jellyfish. I know, but I saw something on TV about them when I was a kid and became convinced that one would sting me and poison me to death.
Ariel was an idiot. I’ll never argue that point. A pretty idiot with a fabulous fiery mane, yes, but an idiot nonetheless. Sure, with his ebony hair and ocean blue eyes, Prince Eric had a certain Clive Owen dreamboat quality, but aside from being rich and having an awesome dog, he was hardly worth abandoning your own loving family, musically gifted seafood friends, and ability to swim with more skill than Michael Phelps after ballet lessons. The Little Mermaid made a stupid, stupid choice in signing away her fins for a silent courtship, but that doesn’t make Ursula the Sea Witch (and aunt of our ‘heroine’) any less scary. Like a loan shark at a cabaret or a credit card company in spandex, Ursula preys upon those who want something: more muscles, a slimmer waist, two legs, and so on. She draws up official paperwork and doesn’t even play the ‘too good to be true’ card. Your terms are set, the penalty is previewed, but as soon as it looks like you’ll come through with payback, the overweight octopus breaks out the magic and makes it impossible to make good on your wager. Not only do you have to give back that fabulous six-pack, but you’re also stuck as withering armless seaweed. Forever.
Spider crabs give me the jeebs. They’re basically giant, armored spiders that live in the water. Worst part is, they can live a good while on the land. I would hate to see one scuttling along a lonely patch of scrub along the shoreline, hunting.
Recently I was walking in the park with my boyfriend and looked out over the bridge. I said “I know it probably won’t happen but what would we do if we looked out over that bridge and saw Cloverfield attacking the city?” George said we should go to the innermost room in our apartment building and wait it out. I said I think we would be safer in the open because Cloverfield could easily knock our building and we’d be SPOILERS! smooshed to death like Rob and Beth at the end of the movie. George said we can’t be outside because that’s where the back monsters (otherwise known as SEATs, which stands for “Something Else, Also Terrible” as described by Hud). So basically there’s nowhere safe when a Cloverfield attacks that is why he is my favorite, and most terrifying, sea monster ever.
Two things prevent me from going into the ocean. One, I’m a pale white geek who instantly burns in sunlight and turns into Lobster Boy. Two, the imminent threat of Deep Ones. There are some folks out there who think The Shadow Over Innsmouth was just a story. It was a warning! You’ve likely seen people with the Innsmouth taint and had no idea you were in danger. Watch out for their bulging eyes, small ears, and chins so small they’re like an afterthought. Weird homeless guy downtown? Nope – Deep One Hybrid waiting to fully transform and go live with the others in an underwater city.
Jeremy C. Shipp
More than any other beast of the sea, I fear the clown fish. And I’m not talking about those cute little guys from Finding Nemo. I’m talking about that polka-dotted leviathan who chortles in the deepest abyss of the ocean. Every year clowns all over the world travel to the coast without knowing why they’re doing so. And once they’re far enough out in the water, they cut off their faces. The clown fish collects these faces in a large fleshy sack. And using a sticky secretion, he attaches the faces to his own grinning visage. Also, starfish kind of give me the creeps.
It’s a toss up between Jaws or The Creature from the Black Lagoon. In the first instance, that bastard hated Sea World. In 3D! And what kind of creature hates Sea World? And in the latter case, those dead eyes and fish gills just creep me out. Any time someone tells me they have webbed toes, I immediately picture the Creature.
While not quite a sea creature by definition, any water based location where kids are swimming is a good reason for me to stay far away. Why, you might ask? Because, quite simply, you know one (or more) of them bastards is peeing their pants, and I’d prefer to not have any part of my body be engulfed in the urine of some gross, snot-lipped kid. No amount of chlorine can scrub that nastiness away, unless, of course, you counteract their urine with a pee barrier of your own. Yeah, that’s still pretty gross, but at least it’s your own piss. I’m also deathly afraid of sharks.
So what say you, dear readers and fellow waterphobes? Share your fears in the non-peed-in-water that is our comments section and don’t forget to submit your own question for a future column via Twitter with the hashtag #heyNOTLP.